Are you discouraged? Are you overwhelmed? Depression and Anxiety are real and can be crippling. In 2002, I faced both, and they led to a mental trial that landed me at Marshall Pickens Hospital for a week.

Let me encourage you that through the struggle, there is hope. I have grown and my life has become richer and more anchored in God because of this battle. My prayer for you is that if you struggle with either depression or anxiety that, in addition to seeking any medical help that you might need, that you will lean into God to help you through. We don’t have all the answers, but we do have a God that understands us more than we will ever understand ourselves.

Kayla Rampey, our Grace In The Wilderness Teen Coordinator, knows personally these struggles and the help that is found in trusting Jesus. This week features her recent courageous Glitter and Grace blog, “What If?” It is too good not to share.

There is someone who needs to hear it today. Is it you?

Ladies: 

I want to apologize for not keeping up with my blog for the last few weeks. To be honest, I just haven’t felt like writing or doing much of anything. I know what you’re thinking…you’re a leader…you’re an adult…you’re a teacher…how could YOU not even feel like writing! Believe it or not, Ministry Leaders, Teachers, and Preachers are not invincible. We all have struggles, we are human, and we do need help sometimes.

I’ve suffered from depression/anxiety most of my life. From my teenage years till now, it’s always been a constant battle. One minute I’m fine, then the next minute I’m just not wanting to do anything, or maybe I’m crying for no reason, or upset with someone and really can’t even explain why. It happens in different ways and it’s been worse since my husband and I experienced several miscarriages prior to having our boys.

After having Asher, who is now 2, I suffered postpartum depression, and now I just worry. I worry about the what ifs that I’ll never be able to control. For my kids: what if I’m making the wrong decisions about parenting them? What if I should’ve homeschooled instead of sent them to public school? What if there is a shooting at my kids’ school? What if I shouldn’t have been a working mom? There are too many what ifs in parenting to go into, but my major worry is that one day my kids will look back and be upset with how their Mother raised them. (wow…that’s deep for a teen blog, but it’s true. This blog is about true life and I want you to know me…the good…the bad…and most importantly the changed by God’s Grace)

Depression is a battle. A constant battle that the Devil loves to throw at me.

In October of last year, my husband and I started attending East Pickens Baptist Church. My kids loved it, we loved it, and it was a fresh start for my whole family. We were excited to a part of something. For years, we’ve been in Youth Ministry and on staff at churches, but at East Pickens, we walked in as just visitors. They even have visitor parking…just fabulous! Before East Pickens, we visited several other churches but for various reasons, we found our new church home just a few miles down the road at East Pickens Baptist Church.

My husband and I decided to be patient and not rush into ministry or even serving again. Honestly, we were overwhelmed, overworked, and just flat out tired from working in the Church. Ministry can be exhausting, and I’ll be honest, it’s easy to get burnt out and just tired. We left Crosswell to focus on our family and grow as a family in Christ together. At one point, I was on the praise team, served in the nursery, helped with children’s church when needed, directed VBS, and oh yeah…taught the Youth and planned events for them including a Mission trip. Ministry is a blessing, and seeds were sown there that I’ll never forget but I was tired. Just the other day, I heard that several of the youth boys at Crosswell gave their lives to Christ. It’s such a blessing to know that God is still working in that church. You see – when people leave a church – it can be sad and upsetting – but you have to remember – God never leaves the church. He is always there for His children.

Sorry about the rabbit trail but let me get back to where I was. Oh yeah, East Pickens is now our new home and we were supposed to be waiting to serve, volunteering occasionally but not committing to anything. We thought we needed a break. I guess God had other plans. You see? WE never have plans…God does. WE just need to start listening closer.

It was Sunday morning, MISSION SUNDAY, when the mission teams from all over the world (straight from Pickens) stood up and told their testimonies and their mission trips that they had been on in the past year. Dustin was on the edge of his seat the whole time. A wife knows when something’s going on in her husband’s mind. I could see it in his eyes…. he was ready to pack up and go any minute, but I was still on the fence. I am very practical, a little OCD, and I like to be organized and scheduled out for every moment of my life. (I know – impossible right) It’s hard for me to feel “out of control” in situations.

By December, Dustin was talking to the Children’s Pastors about starting a new Sunday School Class for Young Couples. When he left the house he said he was just going out for coffee with the Children’s Pastor, but when he came home, he had already committed to teaching a class. He was so excited and couldn’t wait to get started. I was like, what happened to waiting, chilling out a while, just being members without actually working. I know it sounds selfish but this is where you get when you get burnt out. For me, I was starting to struggle again with depression. I wasn’t myself. I doubted God. I started to worry about the what ifs about the class. What if no one shows up? What if it’s an epic fail? What if I really just don’t want to be at church that early? What if we’re not ready? I was afraid, I was worried, and as a wife, I didn’t want to see my husband jump in to something too fast.

I know it sounds silly, but what ifs are exhausting. I hope somewhere out there someone is saying AMEN and agreeing with me. I know I’m not the only one that gets tired just by worrying and stressing.

Dustin’s Sunday School Class started the first Sunday in March and prior to that we had a young couple cookout to celebrate the start of something new. It was great to meet new people and just have fun with other people our age (or close to it). The class is for couples 35 and under. It was good time and we hope to plan another get together when it actually warms up and stays warm.

My depression and my doubts increased over the next few months and I’m not sure why or what started it, but it was getting rough. By February, I was really struggling to keep things together. As long as I was busy working or doing something, anything, I was fine, but in the quiet times, when nothing was going on, it felt like everything was going wrong. I worried, I doubted, and I struggled to keep things together.

6 weeks ago, Dustin told me he was going to Cuba on a Mission Trip. Seriously the text said… “going to Cuba.” I was like what now? Then the what ifs started again and this time I tried to hold off on sharing them with him through texts. I was at work just left wondering why, when, and how Dustin was going to make it to Cuba by April. What if we can’t afford it? What if something happens to him? What if he never comes home? What will I do with the kids while he’s gone? What if I need him for something or there’s an emergency…. on and on and on my mind raced. Then my doubts started again. Why God? Why can’t we just sit back and enjoy church together for a while? Why do we have to serve all the time and spend so much money? Lord, we live paycheck to paycheck and now you want us to have $1200 in less than 3 months? Lord, why?

My depression hit hard then. I tried so hard to stay strong for my husband. I would put on a fake smile and be the wife I needed to be…sometimes, but when he was gone or not in the room, I would cry myself to sleep or leave the room to just be alone and think. I kept myself so busy during that time just to keep my mind from thinking about the “what ifs” that I didn’t want to cross my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was discourage Dustin about his class or his mission trip or finances or anything. I just wanted him to be happy and serve the Lord with all his heart. And to be honest, I wanted to get back to the place where I wanted to serve, desired to get involved, and actively spent time seeking God’s will for my life. Despite my depression, and my doubts, I was determined to make Dustin’s mission trip happen.

Passports usually take 6-8 weeks to get processed and returned. Dustin didn’t have one. How would he ever get his passport in time to get everything he needed for the trip? I doubted it would even happen. Once again, I doubted God. Even the Mission Team Leader doubted he would get his passport in time.

Today, March 12, 2018 we have every dime we need for my husband to go to Cuba. I’m not sure how, but somehow, we managed to get the overtime, cut back on things we didn’t really need, and save the money we needed in less than 6 weeks. Dustin’s mom randomly showed up one day with $300. She didn’t say much, she just said she wanted him to serve where he was called. A few weeks later, we had the mission trip money paid in full.

Something even crazier, is that when we ordered Dustin’s passport from the PICKENS post office, it came in 2 weeks later! (not the 6-8 weeks it was supposed to take) We didn’t even pay extra to expedite it or anything. Somehow, it just happened. I know that somehow was God.

I say all this to say, never doubt God. I’m talking to myself when I say this as well. Through this storm, my husband never lost faith. There were days that I didn’t want to do anything or even facing society, yet he reminded me every day that God would see us through this. At one point, I was in the ER because my blood pressure was so high from panic attacks that I couldn’t calm down, and to be honest, it was one of the scariest moments of my life. My heart hurt, my eyes were swollen from crying, and I couldn’t even explain why I was upset, I just was. I thought I had lost my joy, my heart was broken, everything I had done in my life was worthless, my peace was gone, and I was broken. Through it all, God never left my side.

When the devil realized he couldn’t hurt the faith of my husband, he attacked my weakness to hurt my husband. My depression hurt more than just me. It hurt my family, my friends, and everyone around me. I hate to have to admit I have depression, but sometimes saying it out loud or in this case, typing it in my blog, helps me cope with the fact that some things are out of my control and somewhere out there, someone is suffering just like me and needs to hear this.

Sometimes, it hurts more to see someone else hurting than it does to hurt yourself. To me, when my kids are sick, I just want to take their pain away and if I could I would. I hate seeing them hurting and helpless. I’m the same way about any of my family members. The devil will try his best to destroy the family, destroy the plans that God has for you or your family members, but you have to remember, your GOD is bigger than the devil ever will be. YOUR GOD is in control!

No, I’m still not perfect and I still have bad days, but I know God is in control, and He can do great things…things that we think are impossible.

Whatever you are dealing with, don’t give up. God is in control and He will provide a way out for you if you’ll just let Him.

I appreciate your prayers and your patience during this trial in my life. Depression is a constant battle, and if you are suffering, don’t suffer alone. You can message me anytime and I’ll be glad to talk to you. KaylaRampey@yahoo.com  I’m also on Facebook @GlitterandGraceTeens

As always, may God Bless you and show you His Grace every day!   

Kayla

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Thank you for reading and sharing our blogpost this week. Please share your experiences, thoughts, and comments.

Dear Lord, when we are anxious and discouraged, please help us to fix our thoughts on You and fill our hearts with Your peace. Amen